Friday, March 8, 2013

Dialogue with Dean Super-Genius

Lyin’ Brian McLion, Dean Super-Genius of Career Services & Admissions, wants you to go to law school and is here today to talk to you about it. Don't consider him one of the Scamlords; he just wants to help. The Dean is not an actual person but an archetype; he is not related to anyone of similar name. But, if you’ve been to law school, you’ve been to career services—and there was your Bri-Mack. Ignore the fact that he himself never had a job at the places he thinks he can place people at, and let that slide; it is the least of your worries. Let's talk to the Dean:
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! Avoid the slow economy; we have on-campus recruitment for jobs that start at $140,000 a year!
Generic Undergrad Dude: Those are just BigLaw lobs, available only for a tiny fraction of the student body.
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! C’mon, buddy boy! $140,000 a year ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at!
Generic Undergrad Dude: Are you aware of progressive tax brackets and having to work up to 80 hours a week in an unstable (probably non-career) position?
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! Get a mid-sized firm job then: median income of $90,000 a year!
Generic Undergrad Dude: MidLaw and boutique firms don’t hire inexperienced law graduates.
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! Get a smaller, local firm job then: median income of a solid $60,000 a year, just to start!
Generic Undergrad Dude: Those are still hard to get, law school doesn’t teach practical skills, and the market is more saturated than a full-sized tub of Land o’Lakes. 
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! I don’t believe you! Don’t be a negative Nancy!
Generic Undergrad Dude: If most law graduates can’t get Big or Mid law, won’t we all be pushed into small law? How then could “smaller, local” firms absorb tens of thousands of totally inexperienced graduates every year?
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! You can find any job you want with Guerilla Tactics!
Generic Undergrad Dude: Not if there aren’t any jobs in the real-world market. Why don’t you get a tenure-track position then, if your “guerilla tactics” work so well?
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! Network!
Generic Undergrad Dude: Network with whom? Other unemployed law graduates?
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! Network with the big boys: The hiring managers!
Generic Undergrad Dude: The same ones who aren’t hiring us anyway? How would that help?
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! Don’t forget, a law degree is versatile!
Generic Undergrad Dude: How is a professional degree “versatile” if it doesn’t even get me a job in its own profession?
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! You can use it anywhere! 
Generic Undergrad Dude: Anywhere besides law? Why should I go to law school at all?
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! You could work for corporate management!
Generic Undergrad Dude: Why not go to M.B.A. school then?
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! You could open your own business!
Generic Undergrad Dude: Maybe I should get a business loan instead of a student one.
Lyin’ Brian: [Panics] No, no, no! Go to law school! It teaches you how to think! 
Generic Undergrad Dude: You are aware that potential 0L’s already have a college degree and a total of at least 16 years of formal education?
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! College is better the second time around!
Generic Undergrad Dude: [Sighs
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! You can find a job with Guerilla Tactics! Network, network, I say!
Generic Undergrad Dude: [Leaves]
Lyin’ Brian: Go to law school! Don’t walk away! I am a career services stuper-genius! I mean, super-genius! Network! Network! . . . . N-E-T-W-O-R-K! [he gives chase]
We should sign off on all posts here with the following prime directive of law school: Law/Art/Cooking/Clown School is run for the benefit of the law/art/cooking/clown school, and not the student or society. Once we understand that principle, everything else makes sense. Lyin’ Brian doesn’t care if you go to law school exactly, or whether a J.D. is ‘versatile’, he just wants that sweet, sweet student loan transfer payment. The only career services he provides is to his own. Smile! :-) 

Meanwhile, in recent “shocking” headline news, over one-third of all student loan holders (not just law school) under the age of 30 are now behind on their payments, while investors are buying up bonds based on those loans, betting cold hard cash that they will be paid back with interest! LOL!:

SLM Corp., the largest U.S. student lender, last week sold $1.1 billion of securities backed by private student loans. Demand for the riskiest bunch -- those that will lose money first if the loans go bad -- was 15 times greater than the supply, people familiar with the deal said. . . .
Federal and private student-loan borrowing totaled $966 billion at the end of the fourth quarter, up 11% from a year earlier and 51% since 2008, according to the Fed report, part of its quarterly analysis of household debt and credit.
People under 30 are struggling the most. The delinquency rate jumped to 35% last quarter from 26% in 2008, according to the Fed report.
—“Student-Loan Securities Stay Hot: Investors’ Hunger for Returns Is Driving Demand Even as More Borrowers Fall Behind on Their Payments”, Wall Street Journal (March 4, 2013).
Yeah . . . a lotta Super-Geniuses here, all-around . . . .

Preston Bell ( is the author of the (free) satire about the Law School situation: Smarter Than Socrates: The End of the Law School Era.


  1. First!

    Total sweetness!

  2. Saw this awhile back. Scrutinize, in particular, the second comment...

    If that second comment wasn't written by Mitchell or someone at OSU law, I'll eat my hat.

  3. ^ Meant to write Case Western rather than OSU...

  4. Richard Posner is mad as hell at the ABA Task Force on Legal Education and he's not going to take it anymore!

  5. Nice catch on the Sallie Mae story.

  6. Student loan debt has gone up over 350% since 2005 and 550% since 1998. Why is that boys and girls? This is because bankruptcy law reforms that passed in 2005 and 1998 opened up the flood gates of the supply of loanable funds because government and private loans became non-dischargeable in bankruptcy. Easy student loan money leads to higher tuition every single year. Congress slipped these bankruptcy reforms into bills (you know the backroom deal type of stuff) so they can sucker punch working people yet again. The system is rigged.