Indiana Tech Law Prof. Adam Lamparello writes snotty poor-little-me memoir about his disillusionment with practicing law, hookers, cocaine, his church, his frat, his girlfriends, and his alleged eating disorder.

I hesitated before writing a post about Indiana Tech Law Professor Adam Lamparello's confessional memoir, Ten Mile Morning: My Journey Through Anorexia Nervosa. In the book, Lamparello describes the serious eating disorder he developed in his early 30s, a few years after his beautiful married lover, "Amy," told him that he needed to lose weight, a blow to his ego that he recalled in anger. ("Maybe she was acting out of concern. Maybe I was way too sensitive. It doesn’t matter. It was wrong. Let me take care of myself. I’m not going to criticize you for fucking around on your husband, so let’s leave our little weaknesses out of the conversation" [1]).

I like criticizing arrogant big-shots. I do not like criticizing people who are vulnerable, or who at least perceive themselves that way. I appreciate that Prof. Lamparello has struggled with low self-esteem, and it is refreshing that there are law professors out there who are not vying for mayor of Ego City. But I am afraid that overall I found his memoir to be an exercise in self-indulgence, as well as an admission to some remarkably disgraceful and callous behavior. He rationalizes this behavior with psychobabble about having failed to assert his "authentic self," as opposed to his inauthentic people-pleasing persona, and frequently references his low self-esteem. In fact, some passages make me wonder whether he truly does have low self-esteem--or whether, perhaps, he is an exhibitionist and a manipulator.

Consider the following passages, all describing his life during the period after he graduated from law school at Ohio State-- when he was either working in Big Law or, later, going to school at NYU for his LLM.

1. "Some of the best times were when I would start partying on a Friday afternoon and go all the way through Sunday — strip clubs, hookers, anything I wanted. See, the thing I liked about the hookers and the strip joints is that, especially with the hookers, I had some type of control over another person." [2]

2. [upon finding out that his married lover Amy was pregnant by her husband]: "Now, this hit me like a bolt of electricity from the electric chair. . . . If I thought my life was out of control and full of disappointment before, this was definitely superior to anything I’d ever experienced . My first feelings were anger, betrayal, and downright disgust. I wanted to scream, jump out of the car, and never see her again. How could this bitch do this to me? I mean, one day she’s on top of me and the next day he’s on top of her." [3]

3. "I never let anyone — especially Amy — know how I was feeling. I was very good at hiding my emotional turmoil and, by all outside appearances, appearing perfectly normal. I was a master of lies and deception. It was very easy for me to convince people that I was "ok" on the outside. However, I could not hide the truth. I could support and love her, but she lied. She betrayed me. She was disloyal. I hated her."  [4]

4. "Meaningless pleasures can no longer serve as the band-aid for the pain that we feel when nothingness pays a visit to our life and makes its permanent residence in our hearts. I remember that night. I was drinking a lot of beer, but I couldn’t get drunk. I was snorting a lot of coke, but it didn’t have the same effect and, whatever effect it did have, it made me feel more depressed than ever. And when my hooker came, it wasn’t a pleasurable experience. I felt very scared on that night. I hated my reality with a passion, and my coping mechanisms — the drugs, the alcohol, and the hookers — weren’t taking the pain away anymore. . . . I needed more of something. So I did something I had never done. I wrote a poem." [5]

5. "For me, being a lawyer was such a terrible experience that I was unable to fake it anymore. I got fired from my first job. I got a second job and got fired from that one, too. I went to a third law firm and, after a few months, simply walked away. It was over. I was just as disillusioned with the law as I was with Catholicism." [6]

6. "I also did something else — for myself and own well-being. Since my passion was to someday become a law professor, I decided to send my resume to every law school that was hiring and looking for candidates for the fall of 2007. Well, I got so many rejection letters that I felt academically raped (I say this in a half-joking way)." [7]

From his memoir, at least, it does not appear that anything bad ever really happened to Lamparello to trigger his intense need to self-medicate-- with the single major exception of a serious car accident that he himself caused by driving while overdosed on Valium, even though he was begged not to get behind the wheel. 

Lamparello has loving, supportive, and highly indulgent parents. He strongly rejected their Catholic faith, but that seemed to have caused no conflicts. A natural charmer, Lamparello seduced a 22-year old woman when he was a fifteen-year old kid on a trip to Belgium with his high school baseball team (he met her in a bar, and lied about his age). She subsequently came to the U.S. as a student, and Lamparello's parents let her move in with them, even though Lamparello just wanted her around for sex. ("I would realize later how selfish and hurtful that was because she was hoping that we would have a relationship. I was just interested in the physical intimacy" [8]).

Lamparello went away to college, where he joined a fraternity, but was disillusioned because he felt that he could not show his frat brothers his "authentic self," and instead sought their approval by "portray[ing] myself as an outgoing, "cool" person that loved to party." [9] Even his romantic affairs could not fill his emotional void. He did well in law school, and aspired to a career as a public defender or public interest lawyer. However, he opted for Big Law instead. ("Then there was me, hoping to be a public defender or a lawyer serving the public interest. I buckled under the pressure of being alone. So I betrayed everything that I stood for and agreed to work at one of these big firms"[10]). After five years of disenchantment in Big Law, he got an LLM at NYU, and then became a law professor. 

As noted, Lamparello felt that his girlfriends and others failed to support or elicit his authentic self. Therefore, he tried to fill the void with cocaine, Vicodin, Valium, alcohol, porn, phone sex, expensive prostitutes--and, when that did not work, with exercise and dieting. He spent two years exercising obsessively,  "like an Olympic athlete," running ten miles each morning. [11]

Lamparello's anorexia seems to have been a comparatively mild case, fortunately. He used laxatives and enemas after interludes of binge eating, but did not puke. He did not go days without eating, though he based his diet on fruits and vegetables that a "pro-Ana" website promised would boost his metabolism. He seemed to enjoy the consternation that his weight loss caused his mother. "In a worrisome tone, she said things like, "you look thin" or "don’t lose any more weight." I loved every word. It made me want to jump right back on the elliptical. Guess what? Who was in control now? Me." [12] His disorder ultimately landed him in a psychiatrist's office and a support group, not in intensive care.

In fact, and I do not know whether this is common among people afflicted with this disorder, he states that he was intent on becoming anorexic, an official member of the club.  At 5'8", his goal was to reach a weight of exactly 123.25 pounds. Why 123.25--calculated to the quarter-pound--but no lower?  As he puts it: "I needed to reach the "golden" weight that defines you as officially anorexic. I would earn the "anorexic" label if my weight fell fifteen percent below the lowest point of the normal range for my size. In doing the calculation, I had to reach a weight of 123.25 pounds." [13] And reach it he did, though very briefly.

"I looked at the number: 123 pounds!! 0.25 under what I needed to achieve! I had done it!! I was now a member of the exclusive club! I no longer had a bullshit, minor-league "eating disorder." Now I officially had anorexia. I was so thrilled and excited. It was over. Victory was mine. . . . I fucking loved it." [14]

A "day or two" later he went on an eating binge and  "never saw 123.25 pounds again. Not for a day, not for an hour, not for a minute, not for a second." [15]

While Lamparello states that he "had always felt controlled, taken advantage of, and abused," there is very little in his memoir to validate those feelings, and much to support the contention that that is how he treated others-- for instance, his mention, in passing, that he stole money from his father to buy crack cocaine. [16]

I do not think this dude earned the right to be so (allegedly) unhappy, and so angry at the world.  Had he become a public defender, as he originally planned, the vast majority of his clients would have been able to tell harrowing stories of hardship, cruelty, poverty, and abuse. Lamparello, by contrast, seems to have gone through his life untouched by the death of loved ones, by disease, by serious financial problems (though he does mention one period where he had "[n]o money because I had blown it all on alcohol, drugs, and women" [17]) or even by unpopularity (though he worried about being liked by the "wrong people for the wrong reasons" [18]) Just some angst, based on his disillusionment with his church, his fraternity, and the practice of law. And with people in general, but particularly women.

Frankly, I do not think this dude has any business training lawyers, especially at a law school that purports to place such unusually strong emphasis on professionalism and ethics. Lamparello states that he did not find practicing law "meaningful, purposeful, or fulfilling." [19] He had a very low opinion of his law firm supervisors, whose power to inflict "bullshit assignments" he resented. [20] He had a similarly low opinion of his colleagues, stating that a "good number" were "complete assholes" and "gossipy, backstabbing pricks." [21] He states that he was fired by two law firm employers, and walked out on the third. He states that he is amazed that he managed to practice law for five years. [22] He states that the LLM from NYU that he obtained after leaving the practice of law, "meant nothing to me." [23]

And something else: Indiana Tech Law's viewbook promises-- and this is a good thing, if true-- that "faculty members will not only serve as instructors, but will become life-long mentors and colleagues." Exactly what sort of life-long mentoring can Lamparello provide? How to screw up time and again, and dodge the consequences? Somehow, I suspect that ability is unteachable--rooted in family money, connections, charisma, and luck. A law student or newbie lawyer who does a fraction of what Lamparello has done may well find him or herself in trouble with the bar disciplinary committee, unemployable, or in prison. Well, actually Lamparello does have a grim insight here, though one he seemingly fails to realize is also a picture perfect self-description:

"To me, the world rewarded shallow, materialistic, selfish, and phony people who didn’t have any sense of morals or values. . . . The "haves" don’t really help the "have-nots." Instead, the "haves" want more and more." [24]

Again, I feel sorry for this guy's unhappiness. But his history of deplorable judgment, his callous treatment of others, his disgust with legal practice, plus the drugs and the "hookers,"  make me wonder why he is a law professor.  On the other hand, perhaps I have got it wrong. As a pampered control-freak who can't stand practicing law, he should fit right in. [25]

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notes:

1. Lamparello, Adam (2012-06-07). Ten-Mile Morning: My Journey through Anorexia Nervosa (Kindle Locations 609-611). Hamilton Books. Kindle Edition.
2. Id. at Kindle Locations 770-772.
3. Id. at Kindle Locations 796-797.
4. Id. at Kindle Locations 818-821.

5. Id. at Kindle Locations 1108-1112.
6. Id. at Kindle Locations 498-500.
7. Id. at Kindle Locations 1120-1123.
8. Id. at Kindle Locations 189-190.
9. Id. at Kindle Locations 295, 367.
10. Id. at Kindle Locations 432-433.
11. Id. at Kindle Locations 1867.
12. Id. at Kindle Locations 1261-1262.
13. Id. at Kindle Locations 1494-1496.
14. Id. at Kindle Locations 1825-1828.
15. Id. at Kindle Locations 1865-1866.
16. Id. at Kindle Locations 1189, 2052.
17. Id. at Kindle Locations 1206.
18. Id. at Kindle Location 453.
19. Id. at Kindle Location 488.
20. Id. at Kindle Location 485.
21. Id. at Kindle Locations 420-421.
22. Id. at Kindle Location 499.
23. Id. at Kindle Locations 931.

24. Id. at Kindle Locations 1520.
25. Lamparello uses the word "control" 204 times in the book.