Monday, September 9, 2013

Another Review of "One Millimeter Morning", Law Professor's (Secret) "Memoirs"

Selections of a Law Professor's (Secret) "Memoirs"

Recently, a post here "reviewed" (exposed) the "memoirs" (juvenile ramblings) of a "law professor" (non-practicing attorney) who "teaches" (pontificates in front of 22-year old student debtors, without so much as a lesson plan, a whole six hours a week).  I too wish to do this, because the sheer arrogance of it was begging to be held up to further ridicule in the form of parody. So I took another look at a "professor's" book.  This Professor of Flaw wrote something which he calls his "memoirs", though that is really a French word for what we might better call a "diary" (a child's journal of self-absorption). Let's not get hung up on the difference between an autobiography of someone not old enough to write one, or "memoirs" of someone who has not been accomplished or famous enough to write one, or a diary of someone who didn't actually keep a daily record of their life. I don't know what to call it; some guy wrote a bunch of stuff about his life, and thinks the world must know about it. I agree, though not for the same reason. Here are my favorite passages from the "memoir", "One Millimeter Morning", that I thought I would share with you. Remember, this guy is paid well to teach "future lawyers" who may "one day be on the highest court in the land":

I got fired from my first job; I refused to drop fries when there were already ones ready. I got fired from my second job when I forgot the office's address and couldn't find the building for the entire first week; I got hired for a third job, but I walked out when I couldn't find the bathrooms. A co-worker pointed to a door, but it only had the letter "M" on it, and that's not my initial, so I busted out of that joint too. Weirdos there, to work in a place with no bathrooms!

I love hookers. When I go to pick up my dry cleaning, I keep all the hookers they give me, so that I can help avoid wrinkles on my shirts. I bragged about the free hookers that I have hung well, but girls just giggle when I tell them that. Maybe saving money is funny to them?

I knew a girl (Biblically knew, that is) and she was married. One day, when committing adultery, I noticed she had a nice diamond ring on her left hand. She told me her husband bought it for her by engagement. I was very jealous. Why would her husband do that? He should have bought me a diamond ring. Jerk.

I'm clean. I don't do drugs. Though I admit that, on occasion, I may or may not snort, shoot, and smoke them. But I am not "doing" them or "using" them, so I am not technically (or legally) a "doer", or even a "user". Words matter in the law. My students need to learn this, just after they learn that I am "Professor" and not just "Mr."

Sure, I admit I made some mistakes as a first-year associate professor. I kept shooting up the usual smack between classes; but I swear, it had no effect on my teaching. I can "use" the socratic method just fine whether I am on opiates or not. The Rule against perpetuities doesn't mean we all can't have fun, right?

I care about my students; I always share the dope during office hours.

She asked me if I really lover her; but I moved my lips silent to say, "olive juice". She bought it. I am a master of lies and deception.

I was very good at hiding my emotional turmoil and, by all outside appearances, appearing perfectly normal. It was very easy for me to convince people that I was "ok" on the outside. I wonder, though, why I never got second dates or my phone calls returned. Suckers.

I knocked back a fifth of So-Co by virtue of the lectern having a compartment underneath, and that Pellegrino bottles are refillable. No visited me during office hours that week; perhaps my performance of Shelley's Case was persuasive enough that further discussions were unnecessary.

The dean is riding my a$$ again for that country-tamps I had with the landlord-tenant clinic adjunct "professor". "Professor" my a$$, he do anything but handle cases and clients. Not a single law review article, not ONE. Lame-o.

Just finished my fifth article, although the first one accepted for publication, entitled "Skinny Skadden: Anorexia Nervosa and Big Law weight-based discrimination". It's essentially the story of my life, so I am the subject-matter expert on this one. They had to accept my article, as I am essentially the only overweight man with anorexia in the entire world.

I heard Häagen-Dazs "Chocolate & Peanut Butter" has more calories than their "Chocolate Chocolate Chip", so I advise you to just go with "Chip", or even better, "Plain". That's how I keep my Fort Wayne body. No Kentucky-tummy for me. Breaking away, baby!

Kid in the second to last row was giving me skeptical eyes when I went into my "Blackacre is like a Backacher" routine. Idiot kids didn't laugh this year either. My material is golden though. Time for a 'tude adjustment for him when grades come out. Anonymous grading my a$$ . . .

I also did something else — for myself and own well-being. Since my passion was to someday become a attorney specializing in space law, I decided to send my resume to every country's space program I knew of: NASA, China's CNSA, and Russia's as well. Well, I got so many rejection letters that I felt galactically raped (I say this in a half-joking way). The best I got was an offer to be a mere passenger to study the effect of no-gravity on silly professors at unnecessary law schools in flooded, depressed markets.

Buy the original pile of low-class narcissism at Amazon ($39, Hardcover). [Link broken].


  1. This cockroach is a self-absorbed sociopath. By the way, if he wanted his girlfriend's husband to buy him a big fat diamond ring, then he is truly delusional. Hell, if the husband knew, he might have wrung the beanpole's scrawny neck.

  2. Very funny parody!

    This guy is a parody of 1990s era psychobabble. He ought to try to go on Oprah and come down with repressed memories while he is at it. Oprah's off the air now? That's probably news to this guy stuck in a time warp from 1995.

    I can't believe his statement about feeling "academically [galactically] raped" either. This prince who picks up hookers to enjoy a feeling of control feels "raped" when not everyone is eager to hire him, despite his track record of failures at every job he's had, substance abuse issues, and a general lack of integrity and accomplishment in all aspects of life.

    He is so dramatic. "I feel raped because McDonalds forgot my fries one time two years ago. Also, the bus was late last week, so I feel even more raped. I say that HALF jokingly. It's HALF joking because it's HALF serious, and my feelings are so big and important, and I am so thoughtful and sensitive, that any setback that happens to ME is nearly as bad as being raped."

    It would be funny if it were made up, but the fact that I as a taxpayer am subsidizing this person via student loans... disgusting.

  3. I imagine that most of this supposedly-true memoir is just fiction -- and bad fiction at that.
    I bet he never took drugs, except diet pills, and he certainly never took heroin in between classes. If he had girlfriends they must have been pathetic and desperate, like him. Probably he has never said or done anything interesting, and spends a lot of time inventing a fantasy persona and life to compensate.
    This "memoir" actually smells a lot like the novels of Brett Ellis Easton and Jay McInerney (the so-called "Brat Pack" who were all the rage in the late 80's and early 90's), about young amoral urbanites and their dangerous adventures with sex and drugs in the Big City. These novels are terrible. So what do you say about someone like Lamparello who can't even write a pale imitation of a really bad novel?

    1. The blog entry here is quite a cruel parody. But the point is of course what law schools like Indiana Tech do to their students is cruel too.

      But I have a feeling you're right. Eating disorders are no laughing matter, although Lamparello wasn't really aneroxic (more like "eating disorder not defined" or whatever the clinical term is). This is probably genuine and he has my sympathy.

      But the rest of it - the partying, drugs, string of girlfriends - seems a little exaggerated, to put it kindly. Like "A Million Little Pieces" it actually paints him as a cool, exciting outsider rather than a sad loser so may not be all that true.

  4. His law school is scum for keeping him, the ABA is scum for allowing such prof to teach the sacred legal education they are high and mighty guardians of.

    Lawbreaking scumbag drug-using law profs are a-ok, but 2year law school or undergrad legal education, that's down right evil!!!!

  5. Excellent post! Next step: I have been looking for people to work with me to obtain hard evidence of the scholarship section game. All we need is a representative sample of 1Ls at one school to answer 2 questions on an anonymous survey. 1) do you pay sticker price? 2) what section are you? The schools keep this data secret for a reason. We can start with one school and go from there.

    1. Set it up. Write a post with your plan and tell people what you need. I doubt you will motivate the hands-off crowd that has failed to respond to all your other collective attempts to organize protests and projects, but it is worth a try.

      My suggestion is this. You just need one sympathetic 1L at the school to help. Get him or her to send you a list of all the email addresses of the 1L class. Not illegal, and very easy and anonymous. Then you send a mass email with details of what you are trying to prove and ask for participation. Far better than seeking participation directly.

      Fuck, the school might even sell you the email list. They probably did at my school where I was bombarded with trash from companies like that shit scam Romlaw and bar prep companies.

  6. Another ruthless and incredibly well-written parody.

    1. I'm beginning to think that Indiana Tech is a parody. And by coming to Fort Wayne, that pack of weirdos outdid anything they had ever done in the past. Teaching at that dump is far more pathetic than snorting drugs or fisting hookers.

      It's good you're keeping up the pressure on those guys. It's becoming obvious that their grand opening was the high-water mark of the scam. From now on, the tide is going out, and carrying the deans and professors faster than they can swim.