Friday, August 22, 2014

The Wreck of the Thomas M. Cooley

Well, it was a long time coming, that's for sure.

It appears that Antiro will have more to say soon about the latest news concerning faculty and staff cuts at one of our favorite law schools, Thomas M. Cooley School of Law ("the law school with the most 'O's' in its name, several years running).  Y'know, the school that is famous for changing names, for filing libel suits against critics, and where the employment statistics were deemed "objectively false" by the Court.
In any event, I felt that this momentous occasion was worth reprising one of OhioDocReviewer's greatest hits, as a commemoration of the event.  Without further ado:

"The Wreck of the Thomas M. Cooley" (with apologies to Gordon Lightfoot)

The legend lives on from the lawyers all 'round
Of the big school they call Thomas M. Cooley
The school, it is said, gives her grads up for dead
And its library, they say, is quite roomy

With a load of student loans, several thousand accounts more
That the Thomas M. Cooley would soon empty.
That big scam, it's true, was a turd through and through
And the fails of its grads come often and early.

That school was a crime on the American side
A crummy diploma mill in Mid-Michigan
As the big toilets go, it was bigger than most
With a CSO and a dean both well seasoned.

Concluding some terms with a couple of law firms
That they sent fully locked and loaded for Kurzon
And later that month when the dean's phone bell rang
Could it be that court word they'd been fearin'?

When Graduation Day came, the old crook (the dean) came on stage sayin'.
"Fellas, it's tough, but we no longer need ya."
Nine months later, as employment surveys came in, he said
"Fellas, your money was good, but now I don't know ya."

The Dean e-mailed in, he had discovery requests comin' in
And his TTTT school and job was in peril.
And later that fight, when the real stats were brought to light
Came the wreck of the Thomas M. Cooley.

Does any one know, where the love of God goes
When your JD gets you just ten dollars an hour?
The alumni all say they should have dropped out their first day
Instead they've got nothing but debt and wasted years behind them.

The alums' marriages split up or they might have suicided;
Many became broke and went under.
And all that remains is shame and blame in the faces
Of the wives and the kids over their blunder

Ann Arbor expands its rolls, Grand Rapids bursts at the seams
The dean adds rooms onto his nice Tudor mansion.
Lansing, Michigan schemes off young naifs' dreams;
Soon Tampa Bay will be open for morons.

As everyone knows Cooley's farther below even Touro
She'll take in any lemming that can find her,
And the graduates will all go, as the dean and staff know
With tons of non-dischargeable debt well-encumbered.

In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed,
In the Toileteer Lawyers' Cathedral.
The church bell chimed till it rang twenty-nine thousand times
For each grad from the Thomas M. Cooley.

The legend lives on from the lawyers all 'round
Of the big school they call Thomas M. Cooley
Ol' Cooley, it is said, gives her grads up for dead
And the fails of its grads come often and early.   

Given the way things are going, it appears that further verses will need to be written concerning The Battle of Law ScamDeans as well.  Friends, stay tuned.  We appear to be living in interesting times.


  1. I am curious as to what it would take to get a rejection letter from Cooley.

    1. Anything that would bar an applicant from receiving federal student loan money would be my guess.

    2. Hahah it's impossible to get rejected

  2. Hmmm, maybe proof that you were dead and unable to pay your tuition.

    1. "Hmmm, maybe proof that you were dead and unable to pay your tuition."

      Have the survivors co-sign the loan, and back-date it to the day before the date on the death certificate.

  3. Brilliant adaptation.
    By now (or even 5 years ago), you have to be a complate moron to go to Cooley. 100% Full Retard.

    I just don't have much sympathy for the level of stupidity it takes to gain admission there. I'll keep up the fight against Toilets but Jesus! Anyone who goes there is a cretin.

  4. Good stuff, but I do miss Maurice Leiter.

  5. Concordia.....LOL

  6. Loyola Marymount University
    Loyola University Chicago
    Loyola University New Orleans
    Ohio Northern University
    University of Colorado

    and finally

    Pontifical Catholic University of Puerto Rico