Thursday, May 30, 2013

Law School - The Animated Movie

A quote from Adam B's great post yesterday got me thinking:

Given these desperate final attempts to scam, it is as important as ever to bring the widest possible audience to the scamblogs.  Perhaps we should launch an OLSS Junior edition with scam deans played by Disney villians…

So here's the preliminary cast list:

Snow White - played by all those oh-so-innocent law professorettes, none of whom have even an ounce of knowledge that law school is a scam. "Scam? What scam? International law isn't a scam."

Pinocchio - so many Pinocchios, literally hundreds of them, thousands even. Like extras in the movie, they're everywhere, from the dean's office to the admissions office to the career office. Very long noses too, given the sheer volume of lies these scoundrels tell to law school applicants.

Dumbo - the fool who applies to law school these days.

Cinderella - a young law student from a lowly background, hoping to make it big. Except when the law school ball ends, she literally goes back to scrubbing floors instead of marrying that Biglaw prince.

Robin Hood - law professors, nobly stealing from the poor and keeping it all for themselves. Wait, have I got that right?

Donald F**ked - like the vast majority of law students.

Peter Panhandler - you get the idea now...

Winnie the Poo - too easy?

The Seven Professors: Dopey, Dopey, Dopey, Dopey, Dopey, Dopey, and Dopey, all working long, hard, two-hour days down the student loan mine for a few months each year.

And the list goes on and on.  Except with one huge omission: there's no Rescuers.


  1. Cute. In happy this blog has not lost its sense of humor. Once in a while it's ok to put away the guns and enjoy a beer instead.

  2. I had a dream last night that I was Jennifer Connely from Labrynthe.

    1. I see your Labyrinth and raise you one Mulholland Falls.

      Yowza. That's one instance where I would liked to have "been John Malkovich".

  3. Hansel and Gretel are the children of a middle-class boomer couple. When their college careers are over, the ever-so-proud graduates recognize that because “Education is the Key” and they already have one shiny liberal arts degree, the old mantra of “rinse, wash, repeat” will allow them to double-down on the American dream and achieve professional status. A second degree will create twice the success. And there will finally be a lawyer in the family . . . two of them, actually. Besides, undergrad was fun. So hey, ho. Let’s go.

    So Hansel and Gretel eagerly head out into the woods in search of Law School. Hansel had already taken out a rather large loan for undergrad, and he uses the remaining proceeds to leave a trail of dollar bills to follow home, if need be. The two soon discover, however, that other people have scooped up their money-trail and they soon become lost in the woods without food, water or gainful employment. After days of wandering, they follow a little white bird (allegorical for a little white lie) to a clearing in the woods, where they discover a cottage built of gingerbread, with window panes of clear sugar, covered in candy. Tired, hungry and exhausted, the children begin to eat some of the siding of the gingerbread house and eat the candy decorations. They soon become curious, however, when they notice that if they remove a piece of gingerbread siding, there’s white porcelain beneath.

    Suddenly, a side door opens, and a smooth-talking man emerges. He lures them inside the “house” with the promise of soft beds, delicious food, and professional status. The two accept the offer, unaware that the man is actually a Wicked Dean who ensnares students to cook and eat. Once inside, the gingerbread walls immediately fall down, and the two are entrapped inside a very large Toilet that was cleverly disguised as a candy-coated Gingerbread House. And the chocolate pudding wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, either.

    The next day, the Wicked Dean locks Hansel in a cage and forces Gretel into becoming a wage slave by signing a loan document. The Dean feeds Hansel regularly in order to fatten him up to make him look good for OCI’s, but Hansel cleverly offers the Dean a bone he found in the cage --from a victim of last year’s class-- and the Dean feels it, thinking it’s Hansel’s finger. The Dean is fooled into thinking that Hansel is too thin to eat. After weeks of this, the witch grows impatient and decides to eat Hansel, be he fat or lean. So the Dean prepares the oven for Hansel and decides he is hungry enough to eat Gretel, too. And so the Dean coaxes Gretel to open the oven and coaxes her to lean in front of it, to see if the fire is sufficiently hot.

    Kids, I’d love to tell you that Hansel and Gretel outsmart the evil, wicked Dean, shove him into the fiery oven, find his vase full of treasure and precious gems, escape from the gingerbread-covered Toilet and run for home where they live happily ever after. I’d really like to tell you that. But Law School ain’t no fairy tale. The Dean simply trips the Toilet, and Hansel and Gretel circle the bowl a few times, and forever disappear into the septic tank. The waste has been discharged from the bowl but their debt follows them into the tank.

    That’s all folks!

    1. Very funny! I would watch this cartoon.

    2. "...the two are entrapped inside a very large Toilet that was cleverly disguised as a candy-coated Gingerbread House. And the chocolate pudding wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, either. "


  4. I would propose the very obvious-- the Big Bad Wolf. But St. John's University School of Law got him first, and is using him as a law school recruitment tool in fourth grade classes. Think I am joking? I am not.

    “Law school pipeline programs across the country attempt to make interventions early along this stream on the theory that these interventions will widen the flow of students later in the application stage. . . . .Widener Law puts on a mock trial competition for area college students. St. John’s University School of Law engages in a service day in which law students go into area elementary schools to teach fourth graders about the practice of law by staging a trial of The Boy Who Cried Wolf." Anderson, at 1030. Michelle J. Anderson, Legal Education Reform, Diversity, and Access to Justice, 61 Rutgers L. Rev. 1011, 1029-1030 (2009).

    1. See also:

    2. Little Red Riding Hood was walking through The Woods to go to Grandma’s house to get some advice on what to do with her life. She had read some of the Scambloggers’ work, so she knew she should stay on the path.

      Meanwhile, Admissions Wolf wants nothing more than to eat the girl alive through debt. The Wolf stalks her from behind the bushes. He approaches her, who na├»vely tells him where she’s going. He suggests she pick flowers for Grandma, which she does. In the meantime, Admissions Wolf goes to Grandma's house and gains entry by pretending to be the girl. He then ruthlessly signs Grandma up, sends her off to Fall semester of Law School, and then waits for the girl, disguised as Grandma.

      When Little Red Riding Hood arrives, she notices ‘Grandma’ looks a bit strange. ‘Grandma’ whips out a brochure, some impressive placement statistics, an admission form, and finally some loan documents. Little Red Riding Hood is wowed by the glossy brochure and the 110% placement rates. She has a further look and says, "My, Grandma, What steep tuition you charge!"

      "The better to teach you with, my dear," replies Admissions Wolf.

      “Goodness, Grandma,” she continues, “What an enormous sum I can borrow."

      "The better to screw you over with, my dear."

      “And what high interest rates you charge!"

      "The better to control your life with, my dear."

      Startled, Little Red Riding Hood cries out: "Why your nothing but a Scamming Dean wearing Grandma’s clothing! And your predatory loans are trying to eat me alive.”


      At which point the Big Bad Wolf leaps up from bed and ruthlessly devours Little Red Riding Hood, ripping her young flesh from the bones and lapping up the blood stains.

      I’d like to tell you the story had a happy ending. But Law School ain’t no fairy tale.

  5. "101 Student Loan Debtors" with a ScamDean as Cruella de Vil:

    Anita: Cruella, isn't that a new sack of student loan dollars?
    Cruella De Vil: My only true love, darling. I live for student loan dollars. I worship student loan dollars! After all, is there a law dean in all this wretched world who doesn't?
    Cruella: Fifteen. Fifteen applicants! How marvelous! How marvelous! How perfectly... Ugh! Oh, the devil take it, they're mongrels. No LSATs! No LSATs at all! What a horrid little white rat!
    Nanny: They're not mongrels! They'll get their LSATs. Just wait and see.
    Anita: That's right, Cruella. They'll have their LSATs in a few weeks.
    Cruella: Oh, well, in that case I'll take them all. The whole litter. Just have them fill out the application.
    Cruella De Vil: I've got no time to argue. I tell you, it's got to be done tonight!
    [Turns off television set]
    Cruella De Vil: Do you understand? Tonight!
    Horace: But they ain't big enough.
    Jasper: You couldn't get half a dozen students out of the whole kaboodle.
    Seargent Tibs: [whispering] Students? He's enrolling 4th graders?
    Cruella De Vil: Then we'll settle for half a dozen! We can't wait! Law applications are plummeting. I want the job done tonight!
    Horace: How're we gonna do it?
    Cruella De Vil: Any way you like. Poison them. Drown them. Bash them in the head. You got any chloroform?
    Jasper: Not a drop.
    Horace: And no ether, either.
    Jasper: Eye-ther!
    [Hits Horace over the head with bottle]
    Cruella De Vil: I don't care how you get the little beasts to apply, but do it, and do it now!

  6. According to the Congressional Budget Office, $8.7 billion of the money collected in student loan interest payments actually goes to pay for ObamaCare. The CBO estimates that the interest rate on these loans could be reduced from 6.8 percent to only 5.3 percent were the funds not used to subsidize the healthcare reform law and other federal programs.

  7. some more bad news:

    New York Court of Appeals Chief Judge Jonathan Lippman on Tuesday announced the makeup of a committee to study the feasibility of allowing non-attorneys to provide legal services to poor New Yorkers in "simpler" civil matters

    1. you mean the Brooklyn and Friends strategy of flooding the market with newbie attorneys to serve the poor isn't working out?!

  8. Donald Dicked loses his cool, because he went to law school with little student loan debt - and now owes $175K.

  9. How about "All Deans Go to Heaven"?


  10. "Honey, I Shrunk My Earning Potential"

    1. And don't forget every Dean's favorite:

      "Honey, I Screwed the Kids"...

    2. How about "The Scammy Dean's Pay"? (The Shaggy DA, reaching way back here)

  11. "20,000 Careers Under the Sea"