Thursday, June 4, 2015

The Battle of Law ScamDeans, Part II

Looking around, I realized that it has been a year since the first verses of "The Battle of LawScam Deans" were published!  Enough has happened since then to warrant an encore, so here goes:

(with apologies to Johnny Horton, "The Battle of New Orleans")

The schools threw open every door they had,
but student LSAT scores were really, really sad,
and the bar-pass rates started falling through the floor,
so Dean Allard said "it's the bar exam that's poor!"

            And the Scamblogs blogged 'cause they felt it was a calling,
            There weren't as many lemmings as there was awhile ago,
            The Scamblogs jeered as the Cartel found it galling,
            From the T13 to the Law Schools down below.

Cooley had no choice but to fire a bunch of Prawfs,
Hamline merged while uttering quiet coughs,
and just when UMass was about to take a fall,
Kosko and Carr knifed the Charleston School of Law.


Indiana Tech couldn't get accredited,
So they raffled off scholarships to try to get ahead,
TJSL hit the check-cashing place,
While Concordia quietly tried to save face.


Simkovic was mad that no one took him at his word,
When the bloggers all said his work was patently absurd,
Leiter preached the papers to his echo-chamber flock,
While Merritt, the Times and Leichter said the studies were a crock.


Professor Telman said "claw back the scholarships,"
But the critics continued to give the Prawfs the fits,
Steve Freeman's faux-outrage was certainly sublime,
And Steve Diamond was convinced the Kochs were funding law's decline.



The battle continues! Again, Fight the good fight, stay strong, and run the race with endurance! The truth is on our side.



  1. Nice work, DNT.

    My Koch Brothers allotment is more like Diet Koch. I got the same nasty aftertaste, but zero dollars.

  2. Now do: "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald".

    Something about how the Old Dean came on deck and said "Lemmings, it's been good to know ya'"

    Work that in there.

    1. It's been done! An old friend of the scamblog movement, OhioDocReviewer, told us the tale:

    2. Okay, then do "Bo Diddley!"



      "The Wreck of the Thomas M. Cooley" (with apologies to Gordon Lightfoot)

      The legend lives on from the lawyers all 'round
      Of the big school they call Thomas M. Cooley
      The school, it is said, gives her grads up for dead
      And its library, they say, is quite roomy

      With a load of student loans, several thousand accounts more
      That the Thomas M. Cooley would soon empty.
      That big scam, it's true, was a turd through and through
      And the fails of its grads come often and early.

      That school was a crime on the American side
      A crummy diploma mill in Mid-Michigan
      As the big toilets go, it was bigger than most
      With a CSO and a dean both well seasoned.

      Concluding some terms with a couple of law firms
      That they sent fully locked and loaded for Kurzon
      And later that month when the dean's phone bell rang
      Could it be that court word they'd been fearin'?

      When Graduation Day came, the old crook (the dean) came on stage sayin'.
      "Fellas, it's tough, but we no longer need ya."
      Nine months later, as employment surveys came in, he said
      "Fellas, your money was good, but now I don't know ya."

      The Dean e-mailed in, he had discovery requests comin' in
      And his TTTT school and job was in peril.
      And later that fight, when the real stats were brought to light
      Came the wreck of the Thomas M. Cooley.

      Does any one know, where the love of God goes
      When your JD gets you just ten dollars an hour?
      The alumni all say they should have dropped out their first day
      Instead they've got nothing but debt and wasted years behind them.

      The alums' marriages split up or they might have suicided;
      Many became broke and went under.
      And all that remains is shame and blame in the faces
      Of the wives and the kids over their blunder

      Ann Arbor expands its rolls, Grand Rapids bursts at the seams
      The dean adds rooms onto his nice Tudor mansion.
      Lansing, Michigan schemes off young naifs' dreams;
      Soon Tampa Bay will be open for morons.

      As everyone knows Cooley's farther below even Touro
      She'll take in any lemming that can find her,
      And the graduates will all go, as the dean and staff know
      With tons of non-dischargeable debt well-encumbered.

      In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed,
      In the Toileteer Lawyers' Cathedral.
      The church bell chimed till it rang twenty-nine thousand times
      For each grad from the Thomas M. Cooley.

      The legend lives on from the lawyers all 'round
      Of the big school they call Thomas M. Cooley
      Ol' Cooley, it is said, gives her grads up for dead
      And the fails of its grads come often and early.

  3. My checks from the Koch Brothers keep getting lost in the mail.... the same thing happened to the checks from the Kennedy Trust that were supposed to support me in my public service career. Damn post office.

  4. Replies
    1. Speaking of which...

      Commando 2

      By Maurice Leiter

      I hide in the undergrowth.
      Waiting for my prey, I pray:
      “Jesus, this is hard.”

      My cock, I mean. Not stalking lady studentettes
      like a commando, a soldier of stealth and fortune,
      licensed to kill. Like the A-Team.
      BA Baracus?
      JD PhD Baracus.

      It begins to rain.

      I survive by dreaming the droplets are not mere water,
      but a class of angelic 1Ls pissing kindly on me from above.
      Reflexively, I look skyward,
      mouth agape as if seeing the heavens,
      hoping to spy the delicious penile and vulval benefactors.
      But it’s just a fat cloud.

      Target acquired. I’m a Terminator,
      some say a Predator,
      some beast from the future.
      "In a world where philosophers are gods..."
      My eyes follow her robotically as she crosses the quad.
      Not yet . . . not yet.
      Hands ready my weapon, stroking its silky steel,
      fondling the sac of grenades.
      Prime the load.
      Not yet . . .

      Uh, now! Assault! Assault!
      I leap from cover, pumping off shot after steaming stringy shot,
      spurting my weapon’s hot salty rounds towards her
      like an assassin,
      wishing I was in her ass, not fifty feet away with pants around ankles,
      but instead plunging my fleshy bayonet through sphincter and rectum,
      perhaps nudging a young turd,
      imparting some of its sweet studentiness onto my glans,
      under my foreskin,
      a sniffable treat for later when fingers probe discretely
      underpantward behind podium while students
      ponder a philosophy paper.

      My load litters the grass by my feet,
      first pearls of dew.
      Her head shakes and she walks on as
      I shake my cock head free of the
      last dribble.
      I love it when a plan cums together.

    2. Leiter's latest is thoroughly disgusting and childish. Who approves these comments?

      (Because I want to shake that guy's hand and thank him for giving me the only laugh of an otherwise really shitty day! Fucking amazing! If only the "real" poets like, er, Dickinson and Poe, were less fucking boring and more like Leiter. English class might have been a little more interesting.)

  5. Damn, if Leiter didn't have a podium he'd get busted for sure!

    (I think we're actually referring to a lectern rather than a podium, but a guerrilla poet like Leiter deserves some degree of license for his efforts.)