Satan's email to the ScamDeans

SECOND SCHOLAR. Yet, Faustus, look up to heaven, and remember mercy is infinite.

FAUSTUS. But Faustus' offence can ne'er be pardoned:  the serpent that tempted Eve may be saved, but not Faustus.  O gentlemen, hear me with patience, and tremble not at my speeches!  Though my heart pant and quiver to remember that I have been a student here these thirty years, O, would I had never  seen Wittenberg, never read book! and what wonders I have done, all Germany can witness, yea, all the world; for which Faustus hath lost both Germany and the world, yea, heaven itself, heaven, the seat of God, the throne of the blessed, the kingdom of joy; and must remain in hell for ever, hell.  O, hell, for ever!  Sweet friends, what shall become of Faustus, being in hell for ever?

Dear Blood Brothers:

How long has it been since last we met? I will have to check our contract, but it has been awhile. But I shall shortly make up for our long absence in communication by offering you some well-deserved praise. You have worked hard for me. The trouble with Heaven & Earth is they so rarely recognize continuous accomplishments, only rare deeds that stand out. Hell is different; we recognize consistent performance. And thus, you deserve some support and recognition to your quotidian but distinguished accomplishments. 

I am not known for praising others, but even Lucifer can sympathize when occasion calls. We down below, even though ensconced in darkness visible, have seen clearly the latest setbacks you have encountered. We are losing souls left and right, faster even than a mainstream protestant denomination. We both know, however, there will never be any shortage of new "customers". Always there will be mortals to sell out their long-term potential (“souls”) for their short term gain (“J.D.”), and we can trust these to ignore all evidence to the contrary of their childish fancy of being Matlock, Perry Mason, or whatever aging ham actor is on Television today "practicing" law. For Devil's sake, even Captain Kirk as a senile senior biglaw partner wasn't enough to dissuade the fools from enlisting in our ranks! 

So I wish to recognize your achievements. Each year we still begin an initiation of 48,000 souls, stolen by our deceit and lost forever to heaven. So you see, we are quite successful, even if our success is not a torrent but merely a flood. The scambloggers should not trouble us; they cannot dam up more than a trickle. Even if those supposed “scambloggers” take away  10% of our yearly soul-grab, we still have 43,000 spirits to absorb into our dimension! It is a minor setback indeed, my dearest deans. Our operations and partnership are hardly impacted. Counting unaccredited and online schools, we have nearly 250 to command. So what if 10% of those close? We will continue what we do best with a more than ample 225 factories of "law", each a perversely taxpayer-supported assembly line of superfluous indoctrination and over-credentialing into a market more oversaturated than "I can't believe it's not butter". We devils are in a strong position still, and we need not fret. Even if I did not already have the wealth of Ormus and Ind, another year alone of student loan-based profit—as you call it, “tuition”—would get me there. 

I shall give you some practical advice as well: I “pray”, as they say, that you will consider our position objectively and not be persuaded by the anti-devilists. The bait we dangle is still capable of attracting—what do you mortals call them; "Stupid Snowflakes"? Yes, that is what you should call them—more grist to the mill, in any case. Reassure the barely-doubting Stupid Snowflakes that the United States is the world’s most powerful economy and has a fully-functioning judicial system, with administrative, quasi-judicial, traditional, local, municipal, county, state, federal, sectional, even international law (my personal favorite) just waiting to be practiced. There are job a plenty, thousands upon thousands of attorneys and partners raking beaucoup bucks. Concentrate on the opportunities that still exist, and repeat until no one questions you: there are jobs and money and an inherent need for attorneys, regardless of any economic changes, outsourcing, or regulatory drift that might harm this revenue stream in the future. The winners always win, and every snowflake was born to be a winner. How could it be otherwise? Remind them that paying tuition via $230,000 of student loans is not like racking up debt on credit cards during a shopping spree at a Tom Ford boutique, but something far more responsible and socially appropriate, and just as stylish.

The silly children do not need to know that the available jobs are insufficient to meet the endless demand from graduates that we have inundated the market with. Things that limit opportunities for them, such as tort reform, arbitration, other alternative dispute resolution, outsourcing, and “do-it-yourself” legal form software, well—ignore those. That which is ignored does not exist, and our precious snowflakes, all 48,000 of them, will hardly independently investigate inconvenient truths and then change their behavior based on bad news! That is about as likely as Gabriel is to join hands with Moloc for a delightful Viennese waltz. It would hurt their pride and take away their imagined success. Pride is always on the side of intellectual blindness; we win when people ignore the truth, for truth unread sets no one free. Melt snowflakes, in our floods and whirlwinds of tempestuous fire!

Remember, my dearest deans, a lot is depending on your continued service to me. Hell can hardly recruit happy, satisfied individuals to voluntarily join our dark opprobrious den of shame. Rather, we need those who are both greedy and desperate, which your continued promises and bogus “statistics” will help engender more than anything. First, promise them what they want; trust me, their greed will make them believe you. Then, when the promises cannot be met, just as surely as 48,000 graduates cannot all get one of the high-status 5,000 “Biglaw” positions, their fear will combine with their greed to truly make them our own for an eternity. Remember the words of my strongest supporter, when things seemed lightest he was there to encourage us:

Fall'n Cherube, to be weak is miserable

Doing or Suffering: but of this be sure,

To do ought good never will be our task,

But ever to do ill our sole delight,

As being the contrary to his high will

Whom we resist.

That is our motto and mantra that all deans memorize and repeat in front of the mirror every weekday morning. It is how we will run our legal education industry throughout whatever faces us in the future. Repetition is our strongest argument. We will not, and must not give up our enterprise. You are well-paid, and will continue to be. Ignore the detractors. Finally, give gratitude to my chief agent on earth, he who while unfortunately is under-the-weather due to lead poisoning-caused brain damage, which I think was caused by contact with substances that can coat a surface and change the color—I forgot what the mortals call that substance. More even than Beelzebub, he has disrupted our opposition and distracted countless souls form paying attention to the real issue. Distraction is our greatest asset in the years ahead, in addition to the greed and fear already mentioned. Annoyance and prestidigitation re always useful to those in our profession. You deans have done your part, and are much appreciated in these nether offices.

Darkness be with you all,

Satan