Monday, July 1, 2013

Satan's email to the ScamDeans

SECOND SCHOLAR. Yet, Faustus, look up to heaven, and remember mercy is infinite.

FAUSTUS. But Faustus' offence can ne'er be pardoned:  the serpent that tempted Eve may be saved, but not Faustus.  O gentlemen, hear me with patience, and tremble not at my speeches!  Though my heart pant and quiver to remember that I have been a student here these thirty years, O, would I had never  seen Wittenberg, never read book! and what wonders I have done, all Germany can witness, yea, all the world; for which Faustus hath lost both Germany and the world, yea, heaven itself, heaven, the seat of God, the throne of the blessed, the kingdom of joy; and must remain in hell for ever, hell.  O, hell, for ever!  Sweet friends, what shall become of Faustus, being in hell for ever?

Dear Blood Brothers:

How long has it been since last we met? I will have to check our contract, but it has been awhile. But I shall shortly make up for our long absence in communication by offering you some well-deserved praise. You have worked hard for me. The trouble with Heaven & Earth is they so rarely recognize continuous accomplishments, only rare deeds that stand out. Hell is different; we recognize consistent performance. And thus, you deserve some support and recognition to your quotidian but distinguished accomplishments. 

I am not known for praising others, but even Lucifer can sympathize when occasion calls. We down below, even though ensconced in darkness visible, have seen clearly the latest setbacks you have encountered. We are losing souls left and right, faster even than a mainstream protestant denomination. We both know, however, there will never be any shortage of new "customers". Always there will be mortals to sell out their long-term potential (“souls”) for their short term gain (“J.D.”), and we can trust these to ignore all evidence to the contrary of their childish fancy of being Matlock, Perry Mason, or whatever aging ham actor is on Television today "practicing" law. For Devil's sake, even Captain Kirk as a senile senior biglaw partner wasn't enough to dissuade the fools from enlisting in our ranks! 


So I wish to recognize your achievements. Each year we still begin an initiation of 48,000 souls, stolen by our deceit and lost forever to heaven. So you see, we are quite successful, even if our success is not a torrent but merely a flood. The scambloggers should not trouble us; they cannot dam up more than a trickle. Even if those supposed “scambloggers” take away  10% of our yearly soul-grab, we still have 43,000 spirits to absorb into our dimension! It is a minor setback indeed, my dearest deans. Our operations and partnership are hardly impacted. Counting unaccredited and online schools, we have nearly 250 to command. So what if 10% of those close? We will continue what we do best with a more than ample 225 factories of "law", each a perversely taxpayer-supported assembly line of superfluous indoctrination and over-credentialing into a market more oversaturated than "I can't believe it's not butter". We devils are in a strong position still, and we need not fret. Even if I did not already have the wealth of Ormus and Ind, another year alone of student loan-based profit—as you call it, “tuition”—would get me there. 

I shall give you some practical advice as well: I “pray”, as they say, that you will consider our position objectively and not be persuaded by the anti-devilists. The bait we dangle is still capable of attracting—what do you mortals call them; "Stupid Snowflakes"? Yes, that is what you should call them—more grist to the mill, in any case. Reassure the barely-doubting Stupid Snowflakes that the United States is the world’s most powerful economy and has a fully-functioning judicial system, with administrative, quasi-judicial, traditional, local, municipal, county, state, federal, sectional, even international law (my personal favorite) just waiting to be practiced. There are job a plenty, thousands upon thousands of attorneys and partners raking beaucoup bucks. Concentrate on the opportunities that still exist, and repeat until no one questions you: there are jobs and money and an inherent need for attorneys, regardless of any economic changes, outsourcing, or regulatory drift that might harm this revenue stream in the future. The winners always win, and every snowflake was born to be a winner. How could it be otherwise? Remind them that paying tuition via $230,000 of student loans is not like racking up debt on credit cards during a shopping spree at a Tom Ford boutique, but something far more responsible and socially appropriate, and just as stylish.

The silly children do not need to know that the available jobs are insufficient to meet the endless demand from graduates that we have inundated the market with. Things that limit opportunities for them, such as tort reform, arbitration, other alternative dispute resolution, outsourcing, and “do-it-yourself” legal form software, well—ignore those. That which is ignored does not exist, and our precious snowflakes, all 48,000 of them, will hardly independently investigate inconvenient truths and then change their behavior based on bad news! That is about as likely as Gabriel is to join hands with Moloc for a delightful Viennese waltz. It would hurt their pride and take away their imagined success. Pride is always on the side of intellectual blindness; we win when people ignore the truth, for truth unread sets no one free. Melt snowflakes, in our floods and whirlwinds of tempestuous fire!

Remember, my dearest deans, a lot is depending on your continued service to me. Hell can hardly recruit happy, satisfied individuals to voluntarily join our dark opprobrious den of shame. Rather, we need those who are both greedy and desperate, which your continued promises and bogus “statistics” will help engender more than anything. First, promise them what they want; trust me, their greed will make them believe you. Then, when the promises cannot be met, just as surely as 48,000 graduates cannot all get one of the high-status 5,000 “Biglaw” positions, their fear will combine with their greed to truly make them our own for an eternity. Remember the words of my strongest supporter, when things seemed lightest he was there to encourage us:

Fall'n Cherube, to be weak is miserable
Doing or Suffering: but of this be sure,
To do ought good never will be our task,
But ever to do ill our sole delight,
As being the contrary to his high will
Whom we resist.

That is our motto and mantra that all deans memorize and repeat in front of the mirror every weekday morning. It is how we will run our legal education industry throughout whatever faces us in the future. Repetition is our strongest argument. We will not, and must not give up our enterprise. You are well-paid, and will continue to be. Ignore the detractors. Finally, give gratitude to my chief agent on earth, he who while unfortunately is under-the-weather due to lead poisoning-caused brain damage, which I think was caused by contact with substances that can coat a surface and change the color—I forgot what the mortals call that substance. More even than Beelzebub, he has disrupted our opposition and distracted countless souls form paying attention to the real issue. Distraction is our greatest asset in the years ahead, in addition to the greed and fear already mentioned. Annoyance and prestidigitation re always useful to those in our profession. You deans have done your part, and are much appreciated in these nether offices.

Darkness be with you all,

Satan

25 comments:

  1. CBS Evening News. Law Students struggle to find work:

    http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=50150012n

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    1. "It's my ticket out," says the law student. Out of where?

      He went $120,000 into debt to get a job that pays $30,000 for only one year.

      "But my education is worth it to me." Apparently, his education did not include remedial math.

      I'll have to agree that it's getting harder to feel sympathy for current law students who lack common sense and basic financial understanding.

      Simplest explanation of all by the Hastings Dean - "It just happened".

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    2. There is so much info out there now that it is hard to feel sympathy for anyone applying to law school these days. Thanks for video link.

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    3. lol what a dumbass. 30k after 3 years of foregone income and 120k negative amortizing loan? LOLLLLLLLLLLL

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    4. The CBS News video is excellent and is the type of 'mainstream' coverage that has long been needed for this message.

      A law school dean saying too many lawyers, too many law schools and too many law students. Nice start, but we're still not getting the long-term picture of a lack of careers in this field.

      The young man who says that his investment in his education is "worth it" shows why coverage of the "Law School Scam" must be linked to coverage of the truth about worklives in the Legal Profession. The young man plainly believes that a law license is an asset that increases in value over time, and that you will become more valuable with more experience. Son, your education is just beginning.

      Nice start CBS, but still, it's incredible that we're only just now getting this basic message through what are supposed to be independent, responsible news outlets.

      I can't wait for CBS to bring us these breaking new stories: "Britain and US sign Treaty Ending War of 1812," and "President Lincoln signs proclamation abolishing Slavery."

      Follow the 50% of Hasting grads who got "the Jobs" for a decade. There's the story.

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    5. BTW, the link is now http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=50150011n

      They must have re-arranged some videos.

      A bigger point about the featured law student is that his job is guaranteed for 1 year (which we can interpret as a max of 1 year and he's out, not a min of 1 year and he may stay on).

      Why don't you follow this guy and the 50% of Hastings grads one year out rather than 10 years later?

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    6. Regularly follow the "jobbed" grads for a period of time, giving periodic updates on their 'progress.' Annually, each successive May after graduation.

      I guarantee, it won't be pretty. By ten years, the censors will likely have to get involved to resolve the screening issues (e.g., how much of a suicide can we show; can we show an IV needle piercing the skin; is a family eating wallpaper paste suitable for before 7 pm viewing?)


      As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.



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  2. Replies
    1. Er, yea right lol. Nice hacking Infinity. It seems like the blog is still up and running. Try harder next time.

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  3. Good job putting that advanced Humanities degree, i.e. your JD, to use! Who can question the versatility of a law degree?

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  4. Law grads, repent! Tell the world how your greed prompted you to go to law school. Do not lament that the world brutalized your perverted ambitions. They were perverted and were never worthy of attainment.

    Yours is the lesson to future generations. Do good. Do good.

    ;-)

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  5. Some of you are downright not very nice people, laughing at the plight of the indebted, underemployed or unemployed student. The reason you guys will never be taken seriously is because many of your are failures but NOT EVERYBODY fails in practicing law, much to your chagrin. Besides, some people have a can do attitude. They do not accept failure as a possibility. And if they still fail, they don't have to look back and consider themselves losers by not even having tried. Practicing law beats working at Starbucks, if you can get the job.

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    1. Mr Infinity:

      Nobody has ever said that "everybody" fails in practicing law. The question is actually rather simple however. Is it worth it to go to law school based on your likely outcome? (Or is it worth the risk?)

      It doesn't matter if have "accept" failure as a possibility because outcomes by and large are not up to you.

      If I asked you to plop down $150k to play a single spin of roulette, it is insane to say that it is a good move to do that rather than walk away (because walking away means you are a loser for not having "tried"). In that case, the loser is the one who stayed and played rather than the one who walked away!

      Sorry that you played and lost but I think it is fair to say that no matter how you want to justify your decision, the fact of the matter again is that sometimes (or oftentimes) THE WINNING MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY AND WALK AWAY!




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    2. I'm not sure what your point is, but most of us on this site comment because we recognize that the law school-industrial complex has made it very difficult for many to succeed in law even when they try very hard. We do not mock their plight but seek to prevent others from making their mistakes.

      I managed to succeed in law so far (we'll see what happens when I hit my "shelf life"), but I would never tell someone else who hasn't that it was because they didn't try. Luck and timing play a huge part in this industry, and there is not enough paying work to go around...even for "1st Tier" .

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    3. Same commenter as above--phone cut off part of my reply. It was supposed to say "1st Tier" grads. I use quotation marks for "1st Tier," because that is an artificial concept from USNWR that makes the top 50 schools seem better than they are. I think most people more familiar with law schools know that only the T13 provide top tier opportunities for a majority of their graduates.

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    4. Dude, we are the indebted and underemployed. Self-effacing humor is a sign of maturity, self-knowledge of one's own limitations, and genuine humility.

      You stupid doucheturd.

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    5. Chagrin, that is.

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  6. Love the blog entry, PB.

    Lucifer will bear thee quick to hell!

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  7. This was posted to another thread on this blog but it's worth repeating. It's got some fairly frank discussion on the 50% over-supply problem.

    What I don't like is Dean Wu gets away with answering, "Well, it just sorta happened" (paraphrased) to the reporter's question about whose fault was it that prospective LS students thought LS was a golden money ticket.


    http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=50150011n

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  8. CBS did cover this story in March of 2012:

    http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-18563_162-57393849/lean-times-for-law-school-grads/

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  9. The Seton Hall Law TOILET is feeling the heat! It cant scrape together enough incoming lemmings!

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  10. There is something I have been thinking about as a rather simple way to spread the message about the law school scam. I tell potential law school students and others about the pitfall of law school. Many don't know what I'm talking about and there is still a misconception about lawyers making a killing. How about just a simple business card. It could say something like "Thinking of going to law school?" Beware the law school trap. Then we could place links to this site and maybe a few others such as OTLSS, JD Underground etc. We can post em on bulleting boards, give me out to people we talk to, etc. What do you all think.

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  11. This type of story needs to be repeated, and repeated again, until the American viewing public with its three-second attention span can repeat it word for word.

    The long-cherished ideal of Law School as the great ticket upwards needs to be thoroughly debunked. And then laid to waste, so that it never happens again. The culture needs to react against it with a vengeance.

    The idea that a young person of today is proudly trumpeting their plans to 'go to Law School' should be the same as him or her saying:

    "I want to get one of those nice reel-to-reel players ...."

    "Mom, may I listen to the wireless tonight after I finish my supper, or do I just have to listen to my records?"

    It's outdated thinking that should generate a horse laugh, or possibly a trip to the analyst's couch. They should be embarrassed for being so out-of-touch with today's reality.

    It's stunning that a generation that has grown up with the Internet and that prides itself on being technologically with it could be so 'retro' that they'd even give Law School consideration.

    Let's end this scam once and for all.

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    1. I think you hit the nail on the head. We need to take away the social status reward of "going to law school."

      For many college seniors and recent grads, the goal is to do keep doing something "meaningful." For years they have been able to tell people they are studying at _____ College/University and people respect them for it. They don't want to start saying "I'm looking for a job" or "I'm working at UPS." It doesn't have the same ring as telling people you are a student at a fine institution of higher learning.

      So they find this magic option that allows them to keep or even increase the respect they get from family and strangers--they tell people, "I'm going to law school." Everyone views them as a success and they get respect for another 3 years. Unfortunately, they probably borrowed $100K to get that respect and now their earning potential with a JD from a non-T13 is no better than when they had a BA/BS.

      We need to get society to react to "I'm going to law school" the same way as if someone said "I'm borrowing $100K to invest in my friend's start-up restaurant." People shouldn't absolutely tell them no, but they should be very skeptical and remind them of the HUGE risk that is law school and the financial ruin it can bring.

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  12. But Indiana really, really wants me. My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.

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