I was skeptical when I first perused Harrison Barnes’s article on lawcrossing.com: Twelve Sexy Things You Can Do With A Law Degree That (1) May Make You Famous And (2) Do Not Require Practicing Law,” which was illustrated by the colorful and informative chart republished above.
But I have to admit that its author, Harrison Barnes, J.D., has attained a certain credibility by virtue of the impressive accomplishments listed in the bio he posted on the website of the legal recruitment firm he runs, BCG Attorney Search. Barnes has taught professional responsibility at soon-to-be-defunct Whittier Law School, and truly Whittier needed all the ethics it could get. Barnes has spoken at Tony Robbins motivational events, though hopefully not the one involving the recent ill-fated fire-walk. And Barnes’s remarkable articles have been utilized in classroom instruction by legal academia’s most fatuous self-promoting windbag, and therefore most influential person, Indiana Law Prof. William Henderson.
True, you can’t please everybody, and Above the Law was notably unimpressed by what it characterized as Barnes’s self-destructive ranting, in particular Barnes’s recent gem in which he gave fair warning to naive young esquires that law firm recruiters tend to be attractive but “ditzy” husband-hunting gold-diggers.
On his firm’s website, Barnes states that he “wants you to be everything that you are capable of being.” He states that he wants to “awaken[ ] the power that is within you so that the good and power inside of you can come out and make you everything you were meant to be.”
In my case, Mr. Barnes has succeeded. He has taught me a little factoid that I am actually pleased to know-- that Monty Python’s John Cleese has a law degree. And this factoid has motivated and empowered me to be everything I am capable of being. You see, like John Cleese, I have a law degree. Therefore, like John Cleese, I can write a dead parrot sketch.
Palin: Okay, guv’, it’s a fair cop, the parrot I sold you is stone dead. But have you considered all the sexy things you can do with a dead parrot?
Cleese: I don’t bleeding want to have sex with a dead parrot, what do you take me for?
Palin: I said sexy things, not sex. Look mate, when you have a dead parrot by your side, you can squawk goodbye to your humdrum vocation and prepare for a life of sexy renown. You can write a novel or a screenplay or become a tv star or a real estate developer, and wouldn’t that be something to crow about? You might even get elected President of the United States. What I am saying is that this parrot’s flying days may be over, but sky’s the limit for its owner’s career.
Cleese: You make a tempting argument, my man, but I think I have spotted a fallacy in your logic. You are inferring causation from the order of events. See, it is possible, dare I say probable, that the act of obtaining a dead parrot has nothing whatsoever to do with the dead parrot owner’s subsequent non-ornithological achievements. Also, you may cite the odd success story, but why do so many people online claim to rue the day they came into custody of a putrefying Psittaciform?
Palin: Do you want to listen to a bunch of digital malcontents or to scholarship? Have a look at this then, penned by the Sage of Seat-on-Toilet University himself, Professor Michael Sycophant [slaps impressive-looking scholarly article onto the counter] “The Million Dollar Dead Parrot” and this [slaps down another scholarly article] “When is the Best Time to Acquire a Dead Parrot? As Soon As You Can!”
Professor Sycophant proves conclusively that the overwhelming majority of dead parrot owners receive a massive lifetime earnings premium. You don't even have to practice bird. As soon as people find out that you went to the trouble of procuring one of these captivating carcasses, they just can’t do enough for you. Which is why dead parrot owners get to do so many very sexy things.
Cleese: Who is this Professor Michael Sycophant?
Palin: Well, actually, he is a dead parrot salesman. Highly reputable though.
Cleese: And his scholarship is funded by?
Palin: Umm, by a pair of well-funded nonprofit organizations formed and controlled by a consortium of dead parrot retailers, to advance their interests. Highly reputable though.
Chapman: I am sorry, this pet store has gotten too silly.
Palin: Pet store? This isn’t a pet store. This is law school career services.