Thursday, January 1, 2015

A Toast to the New Year.



As the New Year uncorks, why not open a jug of American Bar Association discount plonk and toast the future of our profession? (A toast to toast). Yes, the ABA has branched out into the booze biz, perhaps inspired by the lucrative success that its Section of Legal Education law dean members have had as purveyors of dangerously intoxicating fantasies

With this bold-flavored initiative, the ABA has at last fully realized the goal expressed in its mission statement to "serve equally our profession, our members, and the public." It may seem disappointing to learn that when they said “serve” they were referring to alcoholic beverages, but I am sure that the drinks come with a chaser of Justice.

And get this: in welcoming us into their select club, the ABA has guaranteed that we will enjoy "exclusive access." Well, "exclusive access to highly allocated wines,"-- maybe not access of this sort:



 (From the agenda of the ABA Dean's Workshop, Feb. 20-22, 2014, Ritz-Carlton Buckhead, Atlanta)

Still, Cheers. May 2015 be a Port in the storm for all OTLSS commenters and readers. And a vintage year for the scamblog movement as we deliver a sobering message to scam-drunk law faculty revelers and their ABA enablers: "You have had enough." 

14 comments:

  1. Don't be surprised if the next time you sit down at a restaurant, your waiter has a law degree. JDs can also serve pizza, as well as alcoholic beverages.

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    1. Law schools should help their graduates out in their future careers by including clinics on waiting tables, flipping burgers, and telemarketing.

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    2. Well, it isn't called the Versatile Degree for nothing . . .

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    3. You can get a certificate in document review at the Samford School of Law!

      http://www.bizjournals.com/prnewswire/press_releases/2014/09/09/CL98520

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    4. "You can get a certificate in document review at the Samford School of Law!"

      Holy ripoff, Batman! That must be read to be believed. They've basically come up with a way to collect tuition from lemmings whose "learning" experiences will consist of acting as free labor for the School's cut-rate doc-review joint venture. Thereby screwing not only their current students but also graduates whose paltry incomes as doc reviewers will be driven down even more. Way to go, Bottom Feeders!

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  2. I have a JD, and now I'm a substitute teacher. Thanks ABA for outsourcing legal work that could have provided me with a bridge to practice.

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  3. Don't forget that a fine white wine adds a certain inexpressible Nietzschean ecstasy to every delectable bite of a sumptuous law school pork dinner.

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  4. Many struggling lawyers can barely afford the kinds of spirits profiled on BumWine.com.

    http://www.bumwine.com/

    Call them bum wines, street wines, fortified wines, wino wines, or twist-cap wines.

    Whatever you call these beverages for the economical drunkard, this page explores the top five.

    So curl up on a heating duct and enjoy...


    Cisco
    (18% alc. by vol.)

    Cisco is bottled by the nation's second largest wine company, Canandaigua Wine Co., in Canandaigua, NY and Naples, NY - the same company as Wild Irish Rose.

    Known as "liquid crack," for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila. Something in this syrupy hooch seems to have a synapse-blasting effect not unlike low-grade cocaine. The label insists that the ingredients are merely "citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color," but anyone who has tried it knows better. Tales of Cisco-induced semi-psychotic fits are common. Often, people on a Cisco binge end up curled into a fetal ball, shuddering and muttering paranoid rants. Nudity and violence may well be involved too. Everyone who drinks this feels great at first, and claims, "It's not bad at all, I like it." But, you really do not want to mess around with this one, because they all sing a different tune a few minutes later. And by tune, I mean the psychotic ramblings of a raging naked bum.

    In 1991, Cisco's tendency to cause a temporary form of inebriated insanity led the Federal Trade Commission to require its bottlers to print a warning on the label (above right). The FTC also forced them to drop their marketing slogan, "Takes You by Surprise," even though it was entirely accurate. Read the FTC's full investigation on their own web page at this link. Since those days, Cisco is harder to find outside the slums, although the FTC's demonizing of the drink only bolstered its reputation for getting people trashed. Anyone who overlooks the warning and confuses this with a casual wine cooler is going to get more than they bargained for. Cisco will make a new man out of you. And he wants some too.

    Our research shows that Cisco is actually the second best tasting of the five great bum wines, especially if you're having one of those hankerings for cheap Vodka, Jello and Robitussin. We must also note that Cisco is the best of all 5 bum wines at putting the darkest and puffiest bags under your eyes. The nuclear-tinted color of "Cisco RED" is reminiscent of diesel fuel. Most Cisco flavors are named by the fruit flavor that they are trying to emulate, but the one picture is simply called "RED." This chemical disaster will get your head spinning in no time. A test subject reports, "Strawberry Cisco has a bouquet similar to that of Frankenberry cereal fermented in wine cooler with added sprinkle of brandy for presentation." The sticky, sickingly sweet taste with a hint of antifreeze really comes through in the repellant taste of Cisco. Avaliable in various flavors, 375 mL and 750mL sizes. Down a whole 750 mL and you had better be ready to clear your calendar as you suffer through Cisco's legendary 2 day hangover.

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  5. Is it April 1 already? My, how time flies!

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  6. The jokes almost write themselves...

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  7. The ABA's club should feature Fat Bastard (http://www.fatbastard.com/) and Megalomaniac (https://www.megalomaniacwine.com/main.php).

    Old Guy

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  8. With all the pounding the scamdeans have been taking from journalists and fellow academics, they're probably punch-drunk by now. Since they're most likely impaired, I'll plan their next workshop on "how to advance the cause of legal education."

    First Day: How to cut tuition.
    Second Day: How to reduce enrollment.
    Third Day: How to eliminate overpaid associate deans.
    Fourth Day: How to "encourage" deadwood faculty to retire.
    Fifth Day: How to close or merge your own institution.

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    Replies
    1. Of course, by "the cause of legal education" they mean the narrow intere$t$ of the law-skule scam.

      Old Guy

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  9. Uhnn. How appropriate in a time when most states' CLE classes start with a mandatory 20 minute spiel regarding pervasive attorney alcohol abuse and depression (or, depression and alcohol abuse, if you prefer).

    Danke Gott the ABA is stepping up to, uh, "enable" us to more precisely fit the common attorney mold...

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