Saturday, April 29, 2017

Getting plucked: Duquesne Law School offers course on the ukulele

How can a toilet school best serve its students? Should it streamline its curriculum? provide tutors? conduct bar-review courses?

Or should it offer a few lessons on the ukulele?

Unique among lemmings, Duquesne's students get the opportunity to play this noblest of instruments while they pretend to learn about torts and civil procedure. From the video provided at the link above, it appears that ambition so far greatly exceeds skill, as one might expect from Duquesne generally. I have unfortunately missed the students' unprepossessing performance of "Margaritaville", but I know it's my own damn fault.

When the trend of "diversity" reaches Duquesne, the family of lutes on offer will no doubt be extended to the sitar, the oud, and the balalaika. Regrettably the imminent shuttering of Indiana Tech forecloses the possibility of a collaborative effort for four-string faux-Hawaiian hip-hop.

The American Bar Association—or is that Barre Association?—has contributed $750 to this juridical ascent of Parnassus. Yet again we have proof of the ABA's commitment to sound expenditures in support of legal education. The pioneer of Duquesne's unique program hopes to expand it with a lending library of ukuleles. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I doubt whether many students would be willing to share a G-string.

In any event, Old Guy will happily support Duquesne's worthy effort with a composition, complete with chords for anyone who may be strumming along. (If you're from Duquesne, you probably can't manage more than three chords, so change C7 to C.) Perhaps it will be performed at a future luau for law professors in Waikiki.

Air: "Aloha 'Oe"

– | C – F – | C – – – |
Pittsburgh has a toilet law school that's just nifty:

G7 – – – | – – – – |
I got in there with a score below one-fifty.

C – F – | C – – – |
And one special feature I endorse most gaily:

F – G7 – | C – C7 – |
Others study law; we play the ukulele.


F – – – | C – – – |
All hail Duquesne! Though I've no brain,

G7 – – – | C – C7 – |
And I owe two hundred grand for my tuition,

F – – – | C – – – |
And jobs are few, one thing is true:

G7 – – – | C – – ||
I can pluck the strings and act like a musician.


  1. Throwaway AttorneyApril 29, 2017 at 1:34 AM

    Forget about the notion that a law school ukulele class is probably as worthless as it comes when facing the daunting task of passing a state bar exam or landing a job, it's the idea of the school charging students some ridiculous sum of money per credit hour for such idiocy.

  2. Just needs to be accompanied by the oboe and triangle. Maybe this will increase the toilet's bar passage rate.

    1. Since they struggle with the ukulele, they should not even take up the oboe, which is known, mock-proverbially, as the ill woodwind that no one blows good.

  3. Remember Tiny Tim?

    Come tip-toe through the tulips, with me....

    1. The Pee Wee Herman of his era, without that movie theater thing.

    2. Watch the movie Insidious and you will never think of that song in the same way.

    3. I liked Tiny Tim.

      If students aren't receiving credit, I don't see the problem. Learning the ukulele is certainly a better coping strategy than drinking or using drugs.

  4. ...because that's the end of my ambition.

  5. Hey, at least you get to learn the ukulele.

    In other law schools you learn NOTHING. This school actually teaches you something.

    1. According to Law School Transparency, the cost of attending Duquesne, if fully financed with student loans, exceeds $210k. That's rather steep for a few lessons on a borrowed ukulele.

  6. Fiddling while Rome burns?

    1. The modern-day Nero strums while Pittsburgh burns.

  7. “Truthfully, I do not expect much to change. Practically speaking, history has demonstrated the ability of sovereign nations to justify themselves and to postpone the moment of crisis. This is especially true of the United States which has the largest economy by far with the strongest central bank. As a result, over the course of your lives you will experience withering but stealthy attacks on your quality of life as the government attempts to manage its faltering finances. You will see declines in the quality of healthcare, the quality of education, the quality of public safety and the quality of our currency. Of course, this is a false prophecy. I am simply describing what it already happening." - Dr. Michael J. Burry, UCLA School of Economics Commencement Speech 2012.

    Plan accordingly.

  8. D-uke-sne is the world's leading center of intellectual endeavor in the upcoming field of Law & Ukuleles.

  9. Got a relative in this group. Cost her nothing but her time to learn the ukulele.

    1. How much did she pay for that year's tuition?

  10. A law school course in the ukelele? You gotta be ****ing kidding me...

    Now, if it involved this flamethrower ukelele, then I MIGHT consider it...
    (Yes, it was inspired by the Doof Warrior's flamethrower guitar from "Mad Max: Fury Road.")

    ...heh, now that I think about it, that might not be such a bad idea: Do the flaming ukelele, burn down the law school and claim it was an accident. *wink-wink!*

  11. Question on Pennsylvania's bar exam as adapted to accommodate graduates of Duquesne:

    Complete EITHER of the following:

    1) Write a 2000-word essay on jurisdictional issues in the enforcement of civil judgments, with reference to state and federal statutes and jurisprudence. Include your critical assessment of at least one unresolved point of law.


    2) Play "My Little Grass Shack in Kealakekua".

  12. (w/apologies to Dale Hughes)

    Oh, I lies when I talks
    Don’t believe me when I’m talking to you, Students
    And eyes talks a lot
    And I only talk when I talk to Students

    I walk in the 3Ls rolls their eyes.
    At the same time 0Ls, they smiles.
    3Ls heard the truth about their future
    OLs heard it too but slightly skewed
    I had lied I told them ‘bout models and bottles.

    Oh, I lies when I talks
    Don’t believe me when I’m talking to you, Prospective Law School Students
    And Iz talks a lot
    And I only talk when I talk to you

    At closin' time I'm the first one out the door.
    I tip that 0L, the 3L I ignore.
    I yell "Your future is bright!" That always makes them laugh.
    3ls know me, I won't keep my word.

    Oh, I lies when I talks
    Don’t believe me when I’m talking to you, members of the parent university and trustees
    And Is talks a lot
    And I only talk when I talk to you

  13. 7:58 a.m. here.

    I meant Dale Watson.

  14. Duquesne has a new permanent dean:

    She had better practice her barre chords.